Week 4: Language, Language, Language.

I speak Spanish and English both as native languages, and sometimes when I tell people I'm majoring in German, the rest of the conversation goes something like this.

"Wow so you can speak THREE languages!"
"Actually, more like 2 and a half."

I say this because even after two years of learning German, I still don't know enough. After spending two months in Germany last year, many people thought I must be fluent. I did become more confident speaking it, but I'm still far from being fluent.

I think many language learners would agree that when you're in the classroom, you feel like you speak the language pretty well because you can understand everything your teacher says and can communicate with them. But once you talk to a native speaker, you get really nervous. Or when you're in the country, you realize "Holy crap I don't know any German!"

This post may be a little different. It's more of a reflection of observations I've made on my experience here. It may sound like I'm complaining at times, but those aren't my intentions; I'm just stating what I experience.

Have you ever been with a group of friends and had another friend or family member in that group who didn't speak much English (or whatever language you were speaking)? That person is obviously quiet and isn't able to contribute much to the conversation. Maybe you and your group of friends are friendly and try to engage that person in conversation and have them practice your language. Other times...let's be honest...you kind of forget that person is there. Or you at least don't notice their presence as much as everyone else's.

I feel like I've been that quiet person in the group. I'm already kind of an introvert. I'm not very talkative in big groups and am usually the quiet one, unless I'm with my close friends. If it's already difficult to be in a big group when it's your native language, imagine being in a group of people speaking German very quickly! I rarely talk. I feel like I'm in the group and very present since I'm listening to everyone speak and trying to understand them, but then I realize I've hardly spoken. I honestly feel like that quiet person that's just sticking around. This happens when I'm with my co-workers. I've had to keep an open mind and be okay with this situation. Fortunately they're nice and they still invite me to things and some will try to engage me. I don't refuse invitations because I know it'll help me get to know my co-workers better and I'll have a good time.

And actually, there's been a plus side to this. Remember when I said I tend to be the quiet person in a big group even when I know the language? Sometimes people will ask me why I'm so quiet. Or they'll ask me if I'm okay. I'll usually respond saying I'm tired (because sometimes I do get tired and it makes me quieter) or that I just don't have anything to say (because I really don't).  I don't mind this, but I've noticed that when it's in German I don't have to explain myself. Nobody asks me why I'm so quiet because, well, they already know I'm still learning German. I also tend to space out when I'm not very engaged in a conversation, and the last times I hung out with native German speakers I appreciated the fact that I could space out of a conversation or jump back in whenever I wanted (not that I spoke much anyway, just tried harder to understand what they were saying :-P).

I can't say this is great. I don't plan to stay like this–I really do want to get better at German and participate more in conversations soon. But this is where I'm at right now.

I can see differences in the work place too. Like I said, I'm kind of an introvert. I'm not the most assertive person, but when I'm comfortable with my ability to do something, I'm definitely more confident. I take more ownership and initiative. This time, it's been harder to do that.

My internship involves a lot of taking care of kids. If this were in English, I think I would've been leading the kids in more things and planning some cool art project to do with them or start English or Spanish classes. But it's a lot harder to show assertiveness when you're not as confident with the language yet. It is for me anyways. And with the kids as well, it's a little harder to show your authority when you can't say as much as you want. When they do something they shouldn't–like arguing amongst themselves or saying mean things to each other, I can't get them to stop as easily. But hopefully I'll get there soon.

I don't plan to let things remain like this. I've realized how important it is for me to be proactive about my goals. It's gonna take more than just going to work for me to get better at German and to contribute what I can. I'm trying harder to meet people and find new opportunities to speak German, and fortunately there are many here!

I hope this post wasn't too boring. Maybe more introverts may have appreciated this, and the language learners as well.

Bis bald :-)